But the people of this city turned from God. They were selfish and unprincipled, and their sin brought them low. For “righteousness exalts a nation” (Prov. 14:34), but sin is an equal-opportunity destroyer. Fire and sword ravished the city, and its citizens were carried away as captives to Babylon.

We encounter some of these captives, sit ting by Babylonian rivers in the 137^th Psalm.

This psalm highlights a communal lament uttered by a people who knew the pain of exile. Once in the land of exile, the Israelites were spared many hardships, but there was one grief that seemed almost beyond bearing. The sorrow triggered by the loss of Zion seemed overwhelming to them.

Babylonian dainties were tainted by captors’ taunts: “Sing us one of the songs of Zion” (verse 3). “Celebrate for us the majesty and the protection provided by your God.” Hence, in the midst of plenty, exiled Israel declared the mournful lamentation and query, “How shall we sing the Lord’s song in a strange land?” (verse 4) And they refused to sing. And they placed their harps, silent on willow branches by the river (verse 1).

Israel’s decision to remain mute, to hang up their harps, was a mistake. They refused to sing of Zion’s glories because their capital city lay in ruins and their loved ones had been destroyed by this heathen power. In refusing to take up their harps, they saw themselves in a noble light but the truth is that they missed a great opportunity. By singing they could have demonstrated the efficacy of gratitude. Does not the Scripture challenge us to “Give thanks in every thing” (1 Thes. 5:18). They could have shown that God’s presence is not limited by geography and that nothing can “separate us from [His] love” (Rom. 8:38). Instead, they decided to hang it up, to swallow their pain, to hold their peace.

Singing the Lord’s song anyway

The challenge of singing the Lord’s song in a strange land is not new. Many are faced with the dilemma of how to bring personal spirituality into the work place, without appearing to be overzealous. Others find it difficult to sing, to remain optimistic in the face of failures, setbacks, or loss. Some seem temperamentally predisposed to pessimism. Others permit sins to steal their joy, refusing to confess or forsake them. Instead they hang it up, putting their harps in storage, refusing to sing on foreign soil.

And is it not true that often we feel the strangeness of our land? When one million men are raped in prisons each year, are we not reminded of this land’s strangeness? And does it not seem like foreign soil when we hear about child abuse, weapons in schools, or gratuitous violence in our various forms of entertainment? This world is not our home.

Israel should have sung. Yes, music and mirth were far from their hearts. Yes, anger and a desire for revenge buffeted their spirits. Yes, God seemed so far away. But the strangeness of our circumstances is no excuse for hanging up our harps. Jesus left us an example of singing in the rain of suffering and even approaching death. Moreover, praise brings deliverance. Israel should have sung.

We can refuse to hang it up by making a commitment to three simple practices:

First, we must refuse to use the strange circumstances as an excuse. Second, we should follow Jesus’ example in the way He sang through the pain. And finally, we should permit praise to bring deliverance. Practicing these three simple things can have a liberating impact in our lives.

Refuse to use strange circumstances as an excuse

Often we behave as if our trial is unique. But 1 Corinthians 10:31 reminds us that the tests we face are common to humanity. Others are traveling with us in the strange country of failure, frustration, and fear, and many of these saints have learned to sing in spite of struggle. We are, there fore, without excuse.

A minister friend of mine sought to provide solace for a woman who had endured the anguish of having her leg amputated. When he entered the hospital room, instead of having to cheer her, she lifted his spirits. She said, “Pastor, thank God it’s as good as it is! I could have lost both legs.” She had learned to sing the Lord’s song in a foreign country.

Later, in Babylon, the Hebrew worthies, Daniel and his compatriots, would refuse to make excuses. They purposed in their hearts to maintain a diet that would honor God. They were determined not to deviate from strict integrity and refused to bow when the music played. They heard another melody, a heavenly one that empowered them to live with honor, even on foreign soil.

Once a friend urged Socrates to avail himself of the opportunity to escape death. (Discussed in Frank Magills’ Masterpieces of World Literature, New York: Harper-Collins, 1990, 43). But Socrates asserted the premise that”… the really important thing is not to live, but to live well. . . . And . .. to live well means the same thing as to live honorably or rightly.” We are called to live with honor, to sing God’s song even in a foreign land.

Follow Jesus’ example of singing through the pain

Jesus was a stranger in this world, leaving the chants of cherubims and the songs of seraphims to journey to this planet on a salvation mission. He was despised and rejected (Isa. 53),abused and mistreated. Relatives and even His closest friends often misunderstood Him. Earth for Jesus was a strange land, but He refused to hang it up.

Only once in the New Testament is it recorded that Jesus sang (Matt. 26:30). When did He sing? He sang on the night in which He was betrayed. He sang after washing the disciples’ feet. He sang as the shadow of a cross fell unmistakably across His pathway. He sang as Judas hurried to betray Him. He sang at the end of His Last Supper. He sang as He headed for the agonies in the Garden of Gethsemane and the hill called Calvary, the place of the skull. He sang a hymn as His outward world was falling apart. If Jesus could sing in the strange land of suffering, we have no excuse for hanging it up.

Permit praise to bring deliverance

We confuse the enemy, Satan, when we sing God’s song in a strange land, for our God inhabits praise (Psa.22:3). The enemy expects us to respond to life’s trails with complaints and exasperation. But praise brings God’s presence. Refusing to hang it up brings Divine reinforcement.

Paul and Silas were incarcerated (Acts 16) unfairly. They were beaten without the benefit of due process and jailed without being permitted to defend themselves. They sojourned in the strange world of injustice. But instead of hanging it up, they began to sing and the other prisoners heard them. Their joyful singing so influenced heaven that the earth shook and their chains fell off, for praise brings deliverance.

Our lives are beset with dangers, toils, and snares, but we must refuse to hang it up. Our Savior promises to be with us, yes, even in a strange land (Matt. 28). He said, ” ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’ ” (Heb. 13, NKJV). He is able to keep us from falling (Jude 14). He has promised to supply every need of ours according to His unspeakable riches (Phil. 4). He has gone to prepare a place for us and promises to come again (John 14). Even in a strange land, that’s some thing about which we can sing.

So why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely
And long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion
My constant Friend is He
His eye in on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy.

I sing because I’m free.
His eye in on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Editorial note: This article is the manuscript version of a sermon presented by Admiral Black at the Toronto Satellite Ministers’ Professional Growth Seminar in March 2000.

This article originally appeared in Ministry Magazine. To read more articles by Barry Black, visit Ministry Magazine.

During the past 19 years my thoughts have often returned to the challenges that confronted me in my chaplain school training. I can still hear the staccato commands of my drill instructor. As a minister determined to maximize my ministry potential, my concern for spiritual fitness now takes precedence over my quest for physical excellence. Paul’s admonition, directed at a young pastor, seems most appropriate: “Keep yourself in training for a godly life. Physical exercise has some value, but spiritual exercise is valuable in every way, be cause it promises life both for the present and for the future” (1 Tim. 4:7, 8).*

Commenting on this passage, Warren Wiersbe observes: “When I see high school football squads and baseball teams going through their calisthenics under the hot summer sun, I am re minded that there are spiritual exercises that I ought to be doing (Heb. 5:14).

Prayer, meditation, self-examination, fellowship, service, sacrifice, and submission to the will of others, witness all of these can assist me, through the Spirit, to become a more godly person.” ¹

My spirit resonates with Wiersbe’s sentiments. Combining physical and spiritual exercises has, in fact, strengthened my relationship with Jesus. For example, during my daily jog, I listen to Bible tapes. The experience is simply transforming: the Bible has come alive for me in a way I never expected. Spiritual calisthenics does make a difference.

Importance of spiritual fitness

How important is spiritual fitness for clergy? Because of our ministerial calling, some assume we stay spiritually fit simply by doing our work. Yes, we are remunerated for studying the Bible, for participating in worship, for lifting our hearts in prayer, just like basketball players are remunerated for doing their jobs and for training to be fit.

The sad truth is that just because we do our work, we as pastors are not necessarily spiritually fit. Didn’t Jesus confront one of his disciples, who would soon preach on the day of Pentecost, and warn him of the danger of falling short of the standard of spiritual excellence? After Peter had declared his undying loyalty, our Lord challenged him with these words: “Simon, Simon! Listen! Satan has received permission to test all of you, to separate the good from the bad, as a farmer separates the wheat from the chaff. I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith will not fail. And when you turn back to me. you must strengthen your brothers” (Luke 22:31, 32).

Clergy—an enemy target

Why should ministers be so concerned about spiritual fitness? Shouldn’t all Christians press toward the mark of the prize in Christ Jesus? While each believer should grow in grace, ministers need to be even more vigilant. The fall of a minister has more far-reaching con sequences than that of a member. As a leader of the flock of God, a spiritually unfit shepherd can endanger the sheep.

Richard Baxter, the great Puritan preacher, believed ministers must be prepared for greater temptations than the average Christian. “Take heed to yourselves,” he once wrote to ministers, “because the tempter will more ply you with his temptations than other men. If you will be the leader against the prince of darkness, he will spare you no further than God restraineth him. He beareth you the greatest malice to those that are engaged to do him the greatest mischief. As he hateth Christ more than any of us, because he is the General of the field, the Captain of our salvation, and doth more than all the world besides against his kingdom; so doth he hate the leaders under him, more than the common soldier: he knows what a rout he may make among them, if the leaders fall before their eyes.”²

Spiritual disciplines

What spiritual disciplines can help produce spiritual fitness? Are there spiritual calisthenics to enable one to maintain a spiritual glow? Even as a variety of exercises bring positive results in physical fitness, so it is in spiritual fitness. Simplicity, confession, fasting, meditation, worship, celebration, prayer, silence, submission, and study can each contribute to spiritual fitness. While my focus will concentrate on only five of these disciplines, remember God’s power can make any spiritual exercise valuable.

• Study. Paul, old and awaiting martyrdom, wrote to Timothy to bring his books (2 Tim. 4:13). The great preacher, having written works that would last as long as history, still wanted books. He enjoyed direct communion with Jesus, yet he wanted books. He had preached for three decades, but still wanted books. Paul was a student all his life.

Study is an essential component of ministry. Preparing sermons, researching and writing, conducting spiritual development classes, helping a counselee each of these ministerial activities usu ally involves some study.

The study that Paul intended to do went beyond sermon preparation or doing research to write an epistle. Paul studied to nourish his soul, to prevent spiritual malnutrition.

What should ministers study to maintain spiritual fitness? Obviously, we must study God’s Word. I have often found it helpful to read through a book of the Bible, a portion each day. This practice nourishes me spiritually. We should also read spiritual classics by such writers as Augustine, Thomas a Kempis, Broth er Lawrence, Blaise Pascal, George Fox, William Law, Ellen White, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Thomas Kelly, and C. S. Lewis. We should also study nonverbal books, such as nature and relationships. With our ears eager to hear the voice of God, we may find sermons in stones, and books in babbling brooks.

• Self-examination. Once after listening to a powerful sermon, I asked the preacher for the secret of his power. He told me he had spent the night in prayer and soul-searching.

Do we really engage in substantive self-examination? This important spiritual discipline can mean the difference between a productive and unproductive life. Benjamin Franklin accomplished great things in his life through the use of self-examination. At the end of the day he would reflect to see how well he had mastered the virtues of silence, temperance, order, frugality, industry, sincerity, moderation, humility, cleanliness, and others.³ Though he never reached his ideal, Franklin’s life was immeasurably enriched.

• Prayer. Most ministers know that prayer imparts life to the soul. When life’s vicissitudes disconcert us, prayer provides a wonderful source of strength. Jesus frequently sought the strength-renewing reservoir of private prayer. If our chief pastor and exemplar depend ed so totally upon this wonderful exercise for His spiritual fitness, should we be any less dependent?

Charles Spurgeon assiduously applied himself to private prayer and believed other clerics should do the same. He wrote: “If there be any man under heaven, who is compelled to carry out the precept ‘Pray without ceasing,’ surely it is the Christian minister. He has peculiar temptations, special trials, singular difficulties, and remarkable duties; he has to deal with God in awful relationships, and with men in mysterious interests; he there fore needs much more grace than common men, and as he knows this, he is led constantly to cry to the strong for strength, and say T will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.’”⁴

I have found it helpful to use scripture as a springboard for prayer. Pouring a little water into an old pump primes it, and the pump begins to work. Likewise, the water of prayer begins to flow in my spirit when primed with the water of God’s Word. I also seek to keep a prayer list. Although it’s only a 3 x 5 card, it helps me keep a focus and avoid distractions during intercessory prayer. These simple strategies have enlivened my prayer life.

• Silence. As a tool of spiritual fitness, silence provides a powerful force for growth. Ralph Heynen puts it this way: “God’s usual way of working is in silence. The breaking of the day or the setting of the sun or the falling of the dew are not heard by the human ear. The character of a man is built like the temple of Solomon that rose in silence on Zion’s hill.”⁵

Silence can impart valuable spiritual strength. But we run from it. We can’t drive without the distraction of the radio. We can’t exercise without background music. Should we not realize and practice that there is a time for silence and a time to talk (see Eccl. 3:7).

• Submission. Submission refers to self-denial without self-hatred; it en tails embracing the revolutionary life of subordination taught by Jesus.⁶ Sub mission means dying daily to self, taking up the cross of service, and fol lowing Jesus. “The warfare against self is the greatest battle that was ever fought. The yielding of self, surrendering all to the will of God, and being clothed with humility, possessing that love that is pure, peaceable, and easy to be entreated, full of gentleness and good fruits, is not an easy attainment. Yet it is [our] privilege and [our] duty be a perfect overcomer here. The soul must submit to God before it can be renewed in knowledge and true holiness.”⁷

It is not easy for ministers to practice submission. People place us on pedestals. We receive so much attention. Because of the high esteem we receive, we tend to forget the importance of servanthood, and instead like the disciples seek the chief seats in the kingdom.

According to Robert Greenleaf, author of Servant Leadership, submission and leadership are not antithetical. “Servant and leader can these two roles be fused in one real person, in all levels of status or calling? If so, can that person live and be productive in the real world of the present? My sense of the present leads me to say yes to both questions.”⁸ Ministers in full submission to the lordship of Christ will be servant leaders of His people.

Even with the spiritual calisthenics of study, self-examination, prayer, silence, and submission, the journey of maintaining spiritual fitness will always have hills and valleys. Like one of our preaching predecessors dis covered, God can empower us to forget what is behind us and press toward the prize of Jesus Christ.

* All Scripture passages in this article are from Today’s English Version.

1. Warren Wiersbe. The Bible Exposition Commentary (Wheaton, 111.: Victor Books, 1989), vol. 2, p. 226.

2. Richard Baxter, The Reformed Pastor (Carlisle, Pa.: Banner of Truth, 1983), p. 74.

3. George L. Rogers, Ed., Benjamin Franklin’s The Art of Virtue (Eden Prairie, Minn.: Acorn Pub., 1990).

4. Charles Spurgeon, Lectures to My Students, (Lynchburg, Va.: Old Time Gospel Hour, 1985), p. 41.

5. Ralph Heynen, Building Your Spiritual Strength (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1965), p. 98.

6. Richard Foster, The Celebration of Discipline (San Francisco: Harper and Row Pub., Inc., 1978), pp. 96, 97.

7. Ellen White, Pastoral Ministry (Silver Spring, Md.: Ministerial Association of SDA, 1995), p. 20.

8. Robert Greenleaf, Servant Leadership (New York: Paulist Press, 1977), p. 7.

This article originally appeared in Ministry Magazine. To read more articles by Barry Black, visit Ministry Magazine.

“My husband is willing to come with me to counseling, Pastor,” she whispered, only making me feel more desperate.

These feelings of desperation impelled me to pursue advanced studies in counseling and psychology. I thought an extended stint in the classroom would enable me to master the elusive discipline of counseling. My earnest quest kept me in school for many years, seeking for the secrets, digging for the nuggets of understanding that would help me save failing marriages.

Some of my well-meaning colleagues, more experienced and mature than I, suggested that my academic pilgrimage would lead only to broken cisterns. They asserted confidently that the key to strong marriages was simply to embrace solid biblical principles that were usually antithetical to the themes of secular psychology. They informed me that secular psychology had little to offer those who seek to build marriages on firm foundations. With stern countenances and prophetic intonations they reminded me of the perils of psychological seduction.

One of these friends gave me a book to read by Dave Hunt and T. A. McMahon entitled The Seduction of Christianity. In that insightful book, statements leaped out to reinforce the notions propounded by my friends regarding the dangers of psychology. I read the following statement: “We must have counseling for one another. But it must be based on the Bible and not upon questionable psychological theories. Unfortunately in the area of psychology we have adopted beliefs and practices that have neither scientific nor biblical basis”¹

I was almost persuaded.

Years spent in the study of psychology on the graduate level, however, have convinced me that some assertions of secular psychology reflect the light of biblical principles. For example, rational emotive psychological theory asserts that the root of psychopathology is illogical thinking. Marriages in trouble can therefore be helped by assisting spouses in learning to challenge illogical assumptions and substitute them with logical ones.

The notion that distorted thinking can be problematic is reminiscent of the biblical statements “As a person thinks, so is he or she” (see Prov. 23:7) or “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2, NIV).

Perhaps both secular and religious theorists can help improve our pastoral marriage counseling strategies. We can use the results of their empirical research to assist couples in finding answers to marital difficulties. After all, if the labors of secular theorists have uncovered pharmacological solutions to bipolar disorders, schizophrenia, and other maladies, they may also have something valuable to say about marriage. Also, since religious theorists have assisted people in finding peace in a chaotic world, an inner serenity that the world can neither give nor take away, we must embrace their contributions also.

Nearly a quarter century of practicing pastoral counseling has convinced me that a prudent blending of both sacred and select secular perspectives can contribute to making more effective and Spirit-filled marriage counselors. Some would argue that to speak of sacred and secular approaches to counseling is to erect a false dichotomy. After all, many so-called theorists are Christian believers. Perhaps from the themes of both spiritual and clinical research we can discover some commandments that may improve the pastor’s ability to provide substantive intervention to married couples in crisis. These commandments have helped me in my quest to become a more effective pastoral marriage counselor.

Know the times

Effective pastoral marriage counselors should know the times and the environmental factors that affect marriages. Like the sons of Issachar, those who strive to maximize their counseling gift will “know the times and know what Israel is to do” (see 1 Chron. 12:32).

What essential knowledge of the times can help us facilitate marital improvements? Well, the days of Ozzie and Harriet are gone. Marked changes in styles of living have occurred in the past few decades. In many world cultures the Leave It to Beaver marriage paradigm is a thing of the past. Divorce no longer carries a terrible stigma, and the traditional, stable two-parent family is now only one of many acceptable models for relationships. People even discuss the ostensible viability of same-sex marriages.

Our times are characterized by increased mobility of individuals, making it more difficult to put down stable roots. The extended family support sources are fewer, and economic challenges add to the pressures placed on marriages, challenging the emotional security and the material stability people seek. Values and roles are less clearly defined, increasing the strains on relationships. In many cultures today both spouses work outside the home setting.

These factors make an impact on marriages. They produce a wear and tear that make some of the solutions offered in the past glib and inappropriate. Many of the people we counsel today will have lived together before getting married. This influences the nature of our counseling, both during premarriage and through the stages of marriage. A sensitivity to the myriad influences that affect contemporary marriage will make us more effective pastoral marriage counselors.

Maximize premarital counseling opportunities

You must “nip it in the bud,” said Barney Fife on the old Andy Griffith Show. When it comes to the possible pitfalls of any given marriage, this is particularly true. Many potential marriage problems can be identified during premarital counseling. Often the prelude to serious difficulties in child rearing, financial matters, spiritual concerns, communication problems, and inlaw challenges can be seen, in embryo, during premarital counseling. Premarital relationships that border on the abusive rarely have a chance for later success, and the pastoral marriage counselor must have the courage to confront and speak the truth in love.

Regardless of one’s approach to premarital counseling, there should be at least three goals. First, the pastor should make some appraisal of the couple’s readiness for marriage. There are tests and other aids to help accomplish this. Other aspects of the couple’s readiness for marriage will usually surface during the counseling sessions. Second, the counselor, in most instances, should seek to use these sessions as an educational opportunity, filling in knowledge gaps and helping to inform and empower the prospective husband and wife. Third, the pastor should discuss the procedural details for the wedding ceremony. Often this is all that the couple wants from premarital counseling, but they should receive the complete package.

At one point in my ministry, nearly 10 percent of the people who attended my premarriage seminars decided either to postpone the wedding or to cancel it completely. That troubled me at first. I have since come to believe that perhaps a service of love was being performed for those couples who decided against immediate union. Far better to admit a mistake and extricate oneself than to complicate matters by forging ahead. Pastoral marriage counselors can save themselves much future, painful labor by doing a thorough job of premarital counseling.² Ensuring that marriages get off to a strong start may be one of the most significant contributions the pastoral marriage counselor can make.

Hear both sides

Proverbs 18:17 reminds us that “the first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him” (NKJV). When the pastoral marriage counselor provides guidance for only one of the marriage partners, it is nearly impossible to provide successful intervention. Marriage involves mutual need satisfaction, making it imperative that the counselor hear from both partners.

I have found it helpful to begin counseling with both partners, even if eventually some separate sessions may be helpful. Usually it is a good idea to permit the one who appears the more reluctant about coming to counseling to be the first to speak. If the counselor has already spoken with the other spouse, it may be helpful to inform the spouse who was absent about what you as a counselor know from the preliminary interview.

In hearing both sides of the story, the counselor should maintain a spirit of helpful neutrality. Counselors are not referees. They should respond to what is said in the counseling sessions, pointing out from time to time what seems consistent with the Word of God and common sense. But counselors should not dominate the sessions with their verbiage. Counselors are there to listen, to hear, to facilitate, to explore, to enable. This process has a greater chance of success when counselors possess a sanctified objectivity that compels them to get the complete picture, to hear both sides of the story so that both spouses as individuals know they have been listened to and heard.

Refuse to play the blame game

Marriage counseling can easily degenerate into frenetic sessions in which the partners launch blame at each another. When marriages are in trouble, such attempts to establish blame are inevitable. Rarely does a husband or wife view their marital problems primarily from the perspective of what he or she has contributed when it comes to triggering difficulties. Interestingly, even when one spouse will admit to some misdeed, he or she may blame the other partner for making the destructive behavior necessary.

Spouses play the blame game for a variety of reasons. If it can be established that the marital problems are primarily the fault of the other partner, it probably provides an excuse for the “innocent” one not changing. This denial of personal responsibility can make one partner the scape goat for all that is bad in the marriage.

But wise pastoral therapists will refuse to tolerate the blame game, because this game makes it difficult to produce win/win solutions to serious problems. If counselors allow the couple to continue their blaming exchanges, an unending seesaw battle of attack and counterattack ensues. Usually by the time the couple reaches the pastoral counselor, they are already proficient in this form of combat.

Competent pastoral helpers refuse to reinforce blame game behavior. They will interrupt, intervene, teach, or redirect the interaction so that constructive changes can occur. I have found it helpful to encourage each partner not to focus on how bad the other spouse is, but rather to discuss calmly what behavior has occurred that affected him or her negatively. I seek to teach them the difference between confrontation and assault. Confrontation identifies the behavior and its effects. Assault judges or evaluates the behavior to the detriment and diminishment of the other partner.

Understand the counseling process

Charles Stewart, in his book The Minister as Marriage Counselor, defines marriage counseling in this way: “Marriage counseling is a process in which a counselor helps persons, couples, or families to make plans and to solve problems in the area of courtship, marriage, and family relations. It is a phase of the general sphere of counseling; however, the problems dealt with are in the area of courtship, marriage, and family relations.”³ Notice that the counselor doesn’t solve the problems but serves as a facilitator.

In the same volume (pp. 82, 83) Charles Stewart gives five realistic goals of marriage counseling that provide us with insights into the counseling process:

• Marriage counseling is limited to current problems in relationships between marriage partners.

• The counselor helps the couple to begin to communicate feelings to one another again.

• The counselor helps the couple to adjust to certain situations in the marriage which cannot be changed, including each other’s character traits.

• The counselor helps the couple to play down personal goals and to work toward ones which are mutually set.

• The counselor aids each partner to understand the other and his/her role in the marriage, such counseling giving him/her opportunity to adjust to what the mate and the marriage demands. Stewart concludes, “This is the nub of marriage counseling: the understanding of each other’s role images and role relations.”

The marriage process, therefore, involves a focus upon current challenges, enhancing communication and conflict resolution skills, facilitating a cooperative spirit, and assisting with a better understanding of marital roles. An understanding of this process is critical for those who seek to empower others to improve their marriages.

Master the discipline

Counseling has developed into a multifaceted discipline, and conscientious pastoral marriage counselors will acquaint themselves with the nuances of this field. Numerous research studies in the marriage and family area of psychology can inform pastoral counselors in their work.

For example, research has shown that nonverbal as well as verbal cues from counselors can facilitate the therapeutic process. The acrostic SOLER is used to describe the way counselors’ nonverbal communication can enhance the counseling experience:

Squarely: Sit facing the counselee squarely.

Open: Assume an open stance with uncrossed legs and arms.

Lean: Lean forward.

Eyes: Make eye contact.

Reflect: Reflect the feelings you hear from the client. The counselor serves as a sounding board, providing a nonjudgmental counseling environment in which options can be explored with spiritual sensitivity and objectivity.

Focus on goals

Research has also shown the importance of goal-setting in counseling. Instead of focusing on marriage problems, most of the counseling encounter should involve proactively examining the direction the marriage should take and how to get on the right road. Michele Davis writes: “We believe that people know themselves best and that they are the experts on what needs to change, not the therapist. So when therapy begins, clients are asked, ‘What is it that you would like to change?’ and this is the starting point in therapy. If couples complain of fighting about how time is spent, solutions to this complaint are sought. No underlying problem is assumed, no complicated meaning is attributed to the fighting. The goal as it is defined by the client is the goal for therapy.” ⁴ Focusing on goals also keeps the counseling experience from degenerating into the blame game; it accentuates the positive, overcoming evil with good (see Rom. 12:21).

Teach coping skills

Often the pastoral marriage counselor must educate people about how to accept the things they cannot change and how to cope when one’s spouse will not change. This sometimes includes teaching people what not to do, as well as what to do. Learning to cope can mean developing more realistic expectations. Some people expect marriage to do too much; they want their spouse to change while they remain the same. This often involves more of a “control issue” than a genuine need.

Often a marriage characterized by challenging differences can be helped by improving the communications. Michele Davis recommends teaching couples how to communicate better through “the structured fight.” Often communications break down in marriage because both parties attempt to talk at the same time and no one is listening. This habitual sparring style can be interrupted by the structured fight. The steps are very simple:⁵

1. Toss a coin to decide who talks first.

2. The winner gets to vent for 10 uninterrupted minutes.

3. Then the other person gets a 10-minute turn.

4. Then there needs to be 10 minutes of silence before another round is started with a coin toss.

This simple tactic and others like it, from the empirical research of counseling theory, can be used by the pastoral counselor to enhance marriages.

Learning to cope may involve teaching people to appreciate their differences. Differences that are not immoral, unbiblical, or unethical should be respected. When a person appreciates his or her spouse’s differences, it is an affirmation of his or her loved one’s significance.

Build a healing community

The pastoral marital counselor has an obligation to be proactive. A part of being proactive entails working to create a supportive and healing community that will nurture relationships. This may mean providing a substantive ministry to singles, helping to prepare them to make quality choices regarding marriage. This may mean sponsoring marriage enrichment training that will improve relationships that are already doing well. This may mean training laypersons in counseling, so that people can help one another. We must not wait for the storm to strike and then react. We must diligently prepare people for inevitable challenges by building healing communities.

Strengthen the family

Proactive pastoral marriage counselors will also seek to strengthen families. Many marriage problems are exacerbated by family and parenting issues, and the same counselor who prepares people in the premarriage setting should be interested in the family. He or she should assiduously seek to improve and empower families, strengthening the cords between parents and children.

Some people think children help make a marriage stronger. This is often not the case. Often children can place additional strains on an already shaky marriage. Many couples who hoped having children would help make the marriage stronger discover that “bundles of joy” can add to the load.

In an effort to strengthen parents to bear that load, pastoral counselors can offer family life training, stressing assertive Christian parenting skills. Couples should be challenged to “walk the walk.” Children learn about our real priorities more from our actions than from our words.

Pastoral marriage counselors can also encourage couples to make God’s Word relevant to their children. Parents and children should read the Bible together. Deuteronomy 6:4-7 states: “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on our heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up” (NASB).

These 10 commandments can provide a springboard for launching more effective approaches to pastoral marriage counseling. We must know the times as we seek to maximize premarital opportunities. Remember to hear both sides, while refusing to play the blame game. Continue to gain a deeper understanding of the counseling process, becoming a lifelong student of the discipline. Keep counseling focused on goals, while helping people to accept the things they cannot change. Strive to build a healing community that will include strong families. Like the Decalogue, the fulfillment of these commandments is love.

1. Dave Hunt and T. A. McMahon, The Seduction of Christianity (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House, 1985), pp. 187, 188.

2. See Mary Bartusis’ Off to a Good Start (New York: Donald Fine, Inc., 1991), a guide for engaged couples and newly weds, written by a practicing psychiatrist for 32 years, with a specialty in marital and sex therapy.

3. Charles Stewart, The Minister as Marriage Counselor (Nashville: Abingdon, 1983), p. 21.

4. Michele Weiner-Davis, Divorce Busting (New York: Summit Books), pp. 87, 88.

5. Ibid., p. 153.

This article originally appeared in Ministry Magazine. To read more articles by Barry Black, visit Ministry Magazine.